CrazyAppleRumors: “Apple Acquires Sandwich”

CrazyAppleRumors has been having a field day with the Apple/Universal thing, starting Monday with “Apple Talks with Universal Not Substantive. Really Not Substantive,” and proceeding through Tuesday’s “Apple Considers Buying Telemundo.” But they’ve outdone themselves (or beat the joke into the ground) with yesterday’s “Apple Acquires Sandwich.” My favorite part (’cause it reminds me of me) is the analyst reaction section:

Marcus Gregory, Chief Investment Strategist for the State of California Teacher’s Pension Plan, said “Our holding in Apple is predicated on the company’s large cash reserves. I would hate to see those reserves frittered away on sandwich acquisitions.

“Now, granted, at the $5.75 purchase price of the tuna fish sandwich, Apple would need to acquire… five plus… carry the… well, a whole hell of a lot of sandwiches to make a dent in $5 billion, but it’s the principle of thing.”

The New York Times’ David Pogue was bullish on the move.

“I myself enjoyed a tuna fish sammich, I call ’em ‘sammiches,’ just the other day,” Pogue said.

“And, you know, they’re damn tasty.”

In more serious news, the balance sheet and statement of cash flows accompanying Apple’s latest quarterly earnings statement peg the company’s cash and short term investments at $4.53 billion, up from $4.4 billion at the end of the last quarter. But the company posted a $4 million operating loss, which turned into $14 million profit after interest income. Cutting it close, Fred.

I feel all indie

I wanted to add a new CD to the “Current Listening” section below (see my actual home page, all you RSS viewers who are missing this feature), but I was stymied because Amazon doesn’t list it. But go check out Michael, the Athens, GA emo-pop band, and PayPal the album. It’s pretty damned good.

Apple: “Nuh-uh”

Regarding the persisting rumors that, despite all fiscal evidence to the contrary, it is in talks to buy Universal Music: Apple broke its long standing policy of not commenting on rumors yesterday to offer this gem (annotated by yours truly):

“Apple (Nasdaq: AAPL) has never made any offer to invest in or acquire a major music company. The press statements this morning attributed to Vivendi board member Claude Bebear are untrue, as Mr. Bebear has confirmed in a later report,” said Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO. “Beyond these comments, we will abide by Apple’s policy of not commenting on rumors.”

In other words, yeah, guys, do your math next time. Reported via Macintouch, which has RSS but no permalinks, so you have to scroll down—and the information disappears tomorrow. One step at a time, I guess.